Tale of the tape: Lemmy vs. Chris Robinson

[Editor's Note: This is a back-dated blog post to clearer-thinking days of December, 2008]

Sometimes, cool things just happen. I was walking the mean streets of Santa Monica tonight, headed to the gym, enjoying all the scenery that SoCal has to offer. The Think Tank has determined that outside of NYC, there is no finer collection of beautiful women. Even so, my mind began to wander. Where it landed was disconcerting. 

Whiskey Frankie Rating = 0
Seriously, completely sober when I thought of this.

So, I wonder… let’s say that The Think Tank, Lemme Kilmister and Chris Robinson are at the Rainbow Room on Sunset on a random Tuesday night. We got locked in the upstairs bathroom. A fight between Robinson and Lemmy breaks out, over a girl (what else would these two ever get in a fight over???).  As usual, The Think Tank is an innocent bystander. Who wins?

Speed and agility: A key category in close confines. Robinson is wafer thin, presumably smaller than most the girls I know. Signature moves include high-stepping back peddling and loose hips. Lemme represents more of a stationary brawler. Often sans sleeves. The bigger guy usually wins here.
Advantage: Lemmy

Intoxification: It’s very likely Robinson would be smoked out of his mind. Lemmy admittedly drinks “continuously through the day.” Robinson would likely be a pacifist unless he freaks out. Lemmy is likely in a violent mood. I’m not sure there’s a clear advantage here. Both would be very impaired. Likely a battle of attrition.
Advantage: Draw

Intimidation: Nothing could be as terrifying as the prospect of Lemmy screaming “ACE OF SPADES!” at you from inches away. This also works on transvestite prostitutes from your car window at the del Taco off Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood. Anyways, Robinson’s rock anthem tactics would be confined to “Remedy Remedy Remedy Remedy!” Not quite on par.
Advantage: Lemmy

Menecing Facial Hair: Both have sported multiple looks throughout the years. I’ve seen Robinson in pig tails, but his most common look is the pseudo-hippie-jesus look. When you think about it, it would be somewhat freaky to actually do physical harm to someone who looked like the mesiah. Might cause some unintended hesitiaton. Lemme’s signature look is a think black beard, but with a clean-shaven chin. Intimidating, but not in a psychological sense.
Advantage: Draw

On an unrelated side note, here are some interesting (but maybe not true) facts about Kilmister.

Experience: Aka, age factor. Plus brawling expertise. Lemme was born in 1945. Robinson 20 years his junior, in 1966. Physical endurance probably not a strong suit for either.
Advantage: Draw

Indulgence and excessiveness: Key elements in a spontaneous combustion type situation where anything can happen. Lemmy once threatened to put a screw driver through someone’s knee camp for suggesting he was gay. No need to go on.
Advantage: Lemmy

Most likely to watch Fight Club: Lemme probably threw a whiskey bottle through his TV screen.
Advantage: Robinson

Elusiveness and cunning: Lemme has a wicked british accent, growly voice and has admittedly scored with 1,200 women. He’s been rocking since the 1960s and was once a roadie for Jimi Hendrix. Probably picked up a thing or two about survival along the way. Robinson somehow wooed Kate Hudson.
Advantage: Robinson

With the last three key categories Robinson makes an epic comeback, and in my mind and by my math, this is now a draw.

The Think Tank OUT.

Right on about ‘Right On’

Whiskey Frankie Rating = 0
High and Dry, but not like Radiohead

Everyone has a catch phrase. Even if they don’t mean to. They’re simple, effecient and often excuse the need for actual listening or effort for conversations we don’t want to be invovled in. A wonderful evolution of the english language.

Case in point, the recommended and official catch phrase of The Think Tank is “Sorry I party.” Surprised? No, probably not.

To note:

Person: “Tank, last night was awsome man. Best time ever.”
Tank: “Sorry I party!!” (evokes coolness and acknowledgement of elite fun status)

Person: “Tank, you look like crap, man. How was your weekend?”
Tank: “Sorry I party?” (evokes complete lack of recognition)

Person: “Tank, you should not have said that to my girlfriend, dude. NOT cool.”
Tank: “Sorry I party dude.” (evokes feeling of remorse)

As such, said catch phrase of The Think Tank headquarters works in nearly every context. We’ve found very few were those three little words don’t suffice.

Similarly, we’ve come across another highly recommended and vague catch phrase — see useful — from good friend Chewey that has the ability to absolve from reponsibility, suggest actual interest via a response but also remove yourself from making an opinion and all while saying something but nothing really at all. The lack of understanding generally leaves people with nothing else to say, thus ending conversation in a comfortable but unfished manner.

Right on!

Person: “I really love that new Nickleback song”
Tank: “Right on.” (I hate Nickleback leave me the fuck alone)

Person: “Did you see Public Enemies yet? I loved it.
Tank: “Right on man.” (I did, but don’t want to talk to you about it)

Person: “Man, it’s gorgeous out today.”
Tank: “Right on.” (yep or general agreement)

Peson: “Wow. Last night was unbelievable.”
Tank: “Right on!”

The Think Tank out.

Just Beat It? Ask Fawcet, Sanford

The Think Tank owes to faithful donors to bring perspective and enlightenment to the masses. Setting aside protocol and popular opinion, the truth sheds light on what we should be thinking about in the world. A hint: It’s not the Molestor Of Pop.

Whiskey Franking Rating = 3.0
Farrah Fawcet Deserves Better.

It turns out that Farrah Fawcet had anal cancer, and she got screwed by Michael Jackson. What a horrible day to die. But if you’re Gov. Mark Sanford, the news couldn’t have been better on Thursday. If there was ever a better time to have an affair with an Argentina woman and to have it completely buried in the news, I’d like to know.

It doesn’t seem to matter that North Korea wants to send nucluar missles at Hawaii. Nor does it seem to matter that Iran — possibly the key to the entire peace process in the Middle East — is in a complete state of political unrest. No, what’s really important, is that a child molesting pop icon has died.

If being in the minority means not caring at all that Jackson died, then The Think Tank fully embraces not being the majority. We at The Think Tank wonder if most American’s who can name the top 10 Jackson songs actually know where North Korea is on the world map. It’s not a social studies quiz. It’s a lesson in perspective.

Picking up NYC friends at LAX on Thursday, five out of six stations were playing Jackson or Jackson 5 songs. The other was playing Nickleback. Horrible. Worse yet, the local cafe was playing endless Jackson songs. The asshole DJ, when asked, refused to play Independent Women by Destiny’s Child in honor of Fawcet. This did not sit well with The Think Tank administration. For obvious reasons.

I just don’t care that much. And The Think Tank is refreshed with that opinion.

More on the state of things later. Think Tank Out.

Pissed off about not being pissed off

The Think Tank is tired of the status quo. Ants marching and docile sheep jumping everywhere. Things were a lot better when people were pissed off about something.

When I’m really pissed off, I like to think about all the things that piss me off. Not because I feel better. Hell no. Just the opposite — I get more pissed off, and that’s all good.

Oblivious people piss me off, especially ones who stand in front of a restaurant and block the entire sidewalk. People who have fast cars and drive them slow piss me off. People who don’t realize you can’t go through airport security with shoes, belts, cell phones and laptops. Remember when terrorists slammed two passenger airliners into two rather large buildings and killed 3,000 people? WAKE UP. You can’t just walk onto a plane anymore. Fuck that pisses me off, and it really messes with all the people in line. People who want everyone to constantly pay attention to them all the time and try to draw attention. Dead batteries piss me off. Bartenders who put fruit in whiskey or bourbon. You know better. Any song by Pink pisses me off. God she sucks ass.

What pisses you off? Actually, I don’t even care.

I’m also pissed off that it used to be cool to be pissed off. Think about it. Men who smoked cigarettes, boozed, womanized and punched people out when they felt like it — they were pissed. All those things were very likely a byproduct of a certain amount of anger. And they were cool. John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Mickey Mantle … they all had to have a certain level of angst. The Marlboro Man. I’m sure he was pissed. Nobody fucked with him, either, because he was cool and pissed. Cool Hand Luke was pretty pissed too. He was even mainly pissed that no one else was pissed.

Josey Wales was really, really pissed. And for good reason. So was Tyler Dierden. Also for good reason — everyone was being a pussy.

And now we’ve come to the point.

We’re all docile now. Pissed off? Go see a therapist. Talk with someone. Tell me how you feel. WTF? I say go get a bottle of whiskey. Punch out the guy who called your girl a whore. Stare a stranger down. Drive too fast. Crank ACDC.  Kick a dog that gives you attitude. Punch a wall. (of course, don’t do these things in this order, please). Swerve your car at a bum who thinks he’s he can do whatever he wants.

It all feels good and builds character. Of course, it used to be cool that you could do all these things and not really get in trouble. Now we’re too afraid of offending anyone. That pisses me off too. Most people are so medicated they don’t know the f-ing difference anyway.

Even this website about being pissed off isn’t really pissed at all — reads to me like a bunch of winey bastards. Puh-lease. Then this site pissofflist.com talks about “feeling better” when you tell people about being pissed. What? Missing the whole point. I used to love it when people would say my Granmda was full of piss and vinegar. She was orny and it was awsome.

Think about your favorite music. Probably written, sang or performed by people who were a little bit pissed. Johnny Cash was pissed. Bob Dylan was pissed in a poetic way. I bet Jimi Hendrix was pretty pissed. Kurt Cobain was pissed (and a little sad). Alice In Chains? They were pissed when they weren’t stoned.

We’d all be a lot better off if people were pissed off more often. I know I would be. At least the world would feel alive.

A Monday on the Sunset Strip doesn’t disappoint

The Think Tank administration has taken a beating in the court of public opinion in recent months for non-response to outcry for further policy reports. What is our response? Give the people what they want.

Whiskey Frank Rating = 1.5-ish
Thank You Sunset Strip

I’ve always said drinking on the holidays (ie, St. Patrick’s Day, Fourth of July, New Years) is for amateurs. Try a Tuesday. Or a Monday. That’s where it really goes down. That theory holds true in Hollywood, where the ballers come out and play when the rest of the world is working, sleeping, watching CSI Whatever or trudging away on the eliptical.

Heading to The Rainbow Room on Monday night, I glanced to my left and saw Ben Stein eating dinner. It was an omen. Once inside the second home of Lemme to meet Socionic frontman Meiny, the Rainbow didn’t disappoint. Not only was favorite waitress Luana working, but the Fear Factory guitarist was chilling inside, too. After a couple of pre-show drinks, we exited rainbow, only to see Jerry Cantrell of Alice in Chains chilling in the patio section with two Euro-looking-model types.

At The Viper Room, The Von Bondies did their thing. They delivered as I expected. I’m in love with the new album Love Hate And Then Theres You. I bumped into bass player Leeann (literally) afterwards and we chatted for a few. We also spotted actress Mischa Barton taking in the show, but it was pretty dark. Still, other than the $6 bottles of beer, the Viper is my favorite venue in LA right now.

A typical Monday night on the Sunset Strip.

The Official Nancy Piolsi Drinking Game

As a public service, The Think Tank is reviewing President Barrack Obama’s address to congress for the second time. We owe it to the people.

Whiskey Frankie Rating = 4.0
“Thank you Indy”

It occured to us at The Think Tank that speaker of the house Nancy Pilosi was extremely annoying during President Obama’s address to congress. It’s unavoidable. Ignoring the pea green sweater and the snarky smile she kept on her mug for the better part of an hour that said address would have been over much sooner had Piolsie not stood up every thirty seconds to applaud.

So we offer you this: The Official Nancy Piolsi drinking game. Re-watch the address to congress, and take a drink every time Piolsi stands up to applaud. The gauntlet has been thrown down, and thrown down with vigor (copyright Good Will Hunting). Take a drink of your favorite drink every time Piolsi stands to appluad. You’ll be cacked (copyright Nate Zeroth — a deliberate shout out, circa late 1990s) by the time it’s over. Book it.

Fox News said Obama was interrupted 65 times by applaus in 50 minutes.

Think Tank out.

Connecting the dots from Freido Pinto to Big Ben

I’m reeling from spending about 30 minutes at an “Irish Pub” in Orange County with a cover band playing Prince on Valentines Day. Reeling, I say.

Nothing Irish about the place, and as Disney as everything else in OC. But we needed a pint (one Smithwick’s, one Harp please). We felt bad for all of the overdressed young ladies looking for a guy who could stand upright. Wasn’t gonna happen. While the cover band flipped from Sweet Home Alabama to Paradise City to Purple Rain, we sat in amusement as one drunko guy was getting makeout handfuls of an unnattractive lass in white. Don’t know where his boys were, but guessing there’s a walk of shame involved today.

No one is asking, but I’d follow Freido Pinto anywhere. I’m told by an Indian insider that there, she’s a dime a dozen. Oh really? One ticket to Mumbai please … If you’re wondering about the dance scene at the end of Slumdog Millionaire, it’s customary during Bollywood movies.

I know I don’t care very much, but took a hard right out of Ye Old King’s Head in Santa Monica and walked by Ben Roethlisberger on 2nd and Santa Monica Blvd. six days after the Super Bowl. He had what appeared to be a tall blonde drapped around his injured ribs, and I can think of no better Remedy (best Black Crowes song ever). Speaking of YEKH, it’s kind of an underrated place. Even in a tourist-laden area, it’s a local pub. If you don’t mind soccer on every TV, darts and the smell of stale beer … it’s even better. Good digital juke box, and the patio outside is solid on a sunny day … with almost an ocean view. You’ll find some desert cougars here on the weekends. Decent place to grab a pint with a friend, and the “chips” are good. Whiskey Frankie Rating = 6.5

Oh, before we forget, do not go to Dakota (the old Temple Bar) on Wilshire. The bald bouncer is a douche bag and has been to everyone I know. This is a Think Tank boycott. They can piss off. The chick yelper reviewers don’t know what they’re talking about … they like the music. The venue and the bartenders (weak, expensive drinks) are posers. The DJ after the band blew. They’re trying so hard to make this place West Hollywood. It’s not, trust me. Don’t pay a cover, don’t go in.

This blog isn’t really about anything, which is Think Tank-approved. The Think Tank is waiting for NWA to deliver Mama Tadicci to SoCal.

Otters, Pirates and Julie Bandaras on our radar

Everyone who is all for your government spending $345 million for Agriculture Department computers, $650 million for TV converter boxes and $2.25 billion for groups engaged in neighborhood stabilization programs to stimulate the economy and create jobs please raise your hands. Yeah I thought so.

“You’re getting $600. What can you do with that?… You go out and you buy a pair of earrings.”

That’s Michelle Obama talking about the Bush tax cuts last summer. The current legislation has deemed it appropriate to dish out $400 per person to stimulate the economy. Clearly a woman of the people with her $600-plus earrings.

More on this another time. While The Think Tank pages through 1,071 pages of said “stimulus” bill, here are some of the other things on The Think Tank’s radar this week:

• In an ode to Valentine’s Day … this might be the smartest — or dumbest — otter in the world. Little guy broke INTO the zoo to hang out with a female otter. If I was one of his otter entourage (which clearly I’m not, I wouldn’t have let him do it), I would have said, “Dude, she’s not worth it. Have another clam.” Love will find a way

• We at The Think Tank are big fans of Julie Bandaras. Fair and balanced. Ummmm, yea. Sadly, she’s off the market. Sadly, in a whole other way, it’s amazing what you find on youtube by typing in the name of a news anchor.

• If Wednesday is Hump Day, is Wednesday night then Hump Night? Just sayin’ …

• Okay, the people at pmsbuddy.com are either on something, or onto something (Copyright The Common Man). They track when women are closing in on “that time of the month.” They say, “For women, this is a great way to give people in your life a heads-up of when you might be feeling a bit irritable without having an awkward conversation.” Okay. You might notice there is an add for 1-800-flowers.com. Timely. The site is currently tracking 20,155 “cycles.”

• It’s 2009, and there are still Pirates in the world. Better (or worse) yet, it’s a pretty lucrative biz.

• Speaking of Pirates, this isn’t new, but there’s an online game somewhere out there developed by a Japanese company where you can play a slot game to catch criminals on the most-wanted list. Really? Gamble and help your community at the same time? Brilliant!

• Not making light of a horrible tragedy, but remember the name Doug Wielinski. He is the easily the early leading candidate for unluckiest person of 2009.

‘New things have come to light, man’

A fast-moving, potentially life-threatening virus is making its way through The Think Tank corporate headquarters this week. All attempts at original thought, clarity and wit-driven logic have been pre-empted by daytime television. The Think Tank believes the unknown virus was deliberately planted. Call it a conspiracy theory.

• Okay, so AMC is playing some movie called Blown Away with Jeff Bridges. It might be the most un-Dude like movie ever. Ultra serious. He doesn’t say any combination of “dude,” “man,” “far out” or “white russian” in the 1/2 hour it was on… plus Tommie Lee Jones is in it, and an uber-skinny Forest Whitaker, and The Think Tank got bored really fast … fuckin’ bummer, man.

• In one afternoon of daytime TV after TTT corporate headquarters shut down, it was officially declared that the theory in which society gets dumber the more that stupid people mate (as compared to the infrequency that intelligent people mate) as portrayed in the movie Idiocracy, is unequovicoally true. Book it.

• The Think Tank gives moderate reviews to the two-hour movie prequel of 24 Redemption. Jack Bauer single-handidly disarmed the renegade Warlord oppositition to the Senegalian government, saved a handful of orphaned boys, was half-assed tortured once and killed about 25 militia. Hooo-hum.

• When the 1st Annual Think Tank Tribute Awards come out in 2009, California will be a strong contender for the categories of “Most people most likely to wish they were someone else” and “Most fast, expensive cars driving really slowly” awards.

• The Think Tank can neither confirm nor deny that only chicks and foreigners take pictures on vacation. And that applies to New Years, too. That can be confirmed and denied at the same time. Both confirmed, and denied, rather than neither. See what we’re saying?

• The state of California has decided to use the overhead interstate digial signs to tell drivers not to text while driving. Said signs now cause drivers in the fast lane to slow down so they can read it, making it equally harmful to normal driving as texting would have been in the first place. WTF? The Think Tank roundly rejects these signs.

I think I’d probably buy Toby Keith a beer

The Think Tank is diving into the rhelm of real. If you know more about Paris Hilton’s shopping habits, Lindsay Lohan’s recent dates (unless they’re near 6th and Wilshire – word), the life story of Katy Perry or who Fall Out Boy is dating than you do about where your tax money goes, the people you’ve elected to office or where all 50 states are actually located, stop reading.

One of the best lines in Good Will Hunting is when Will is in Sean’s office and says, “You people fuckin’ baffle me.” Celebrity-ism baffles me. It baffles me why poeple care so much about other people who have absolutely no bearing on their lives. As Sonny LoSpecchio says in the Bronx Tale: “Does Mickey Mantle pay your rent?” The answer is no. And the point is you shouldn’t care so much. There are other things to care about.

If you need an escape from reality, pick up alcoholism or heavy drug use. Get on with it. Yeah, it’s more expensive than Us Weekly, but it’s a hell of a better ride, too.

That being said, I’m digging what Toby Keith brings to the table. Don’t know the guy, never met him, don’t really care for his music, either. But I’ve seen him on Glenn Beck before, and came across a recent Q&A “What I’ve Learned” in Esquire. Dude kinda spits the truth:

When I started singing “Red, White and Blue,” the lefties attacked me. And then the Right came in with heavy support. The righties said, “You’re a red Republican, right?” I said, “No, I’m a Democrat.” And you could smell the brakes and clutches locking down. Whoa! All of a sudden you don’t get Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity and the Fox stuff no more. But I don’t see things right-left. I see ‘em right-wrong. I don’t have an agenda.

Did anyone else think that I couldn’t fit Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mickey Mantle, Toby Keith and Glenn Beck into one blog post? Pssssssh.